What it's like to be diagnosed with a mental illness

Everyone suffers from stigma sometimes, but bold yet charming Leslie decided to fight back. Armed with the power of the Internet and a whole lot of passion, she regularly chronicles all of the things that no one dares to say about living with mental illness. As the media portrays anything deemed “abnormal” as both meek and submissive or scary and dangerous, Leslie stands out and brings the focus back on what mental health is really about: every day people with very different and very important challenges. Whether it’s something as every day as getting to important meetings  or terrifying burdens like trying to get an insurance company to recognize that depression needs real treatment, I was instantly drawn in by her often positive but always realistic approach to life.

“There really isn't much of me that's too interesting,” she modestly lies to me, “but there is plenty to say about the whole process of having a mental breakdown whilst at my worst. I’m trying to learn how to do something new. People don’t understand how many aspects of mental health there are. ‘Get healthy’ means navigating the health care system, navigating the insurance industry, learning about my specific illness, microanalyzing my lifestyle to even know what I need to do to start, getting healthy, taking medications, knowing the difference between side effects & symptoms of illness, being in a relationship while I'm going into a bad place… This all really speaks to the need for advocacy in our province.”

Reading what Leslie has to say, you automatically get the impression she is talked a mile a minute just because there is so much information. Where many books can read as preachy and health care professionals can seem detached from the situation, Leslie cuts through the crap and states the many failings of the systems around her that are supposed to help her recovery. Contentedly capeless, she is a real life superhero fighting to get the voice of sick people everywhere heard with humour and grace.

Full of nothing but praise for her supportive boyfriend (“I'm not sure what I would have done without him & his acceptance.”) and scathing critique of her psychiatrist (“There are mental health scripts!”), working on Leslie’s story meant both letting out a laugh and shedding a tear.

***
"I wasn’t enjoying my life; I was surviving.  It was so difficult to finally admit I had a problem; the fact I couldn’t fix this on my own was hard to accept. People don’t realize that someone who is mentally unfit may need help getting help.  I had a decent job, I am smart, I am articulate & creative, yet something wasn't clicking. I wasn't achieving success. I smiled all the time so no one could see me cry. I didn't know why I was so damn afraid of everything, why my senses always seemed overburdened. I could feel that something was wrong but I just kept pushing through life waiting to 'feel' better. Eventually it became so that my physical symptoms were so severe I was forced to admit my mental woes. Most people don't realize mental illness IS physical! It's in my brain, and my brain is a physical part of my body. Depression has many physical symptoms; needing excessive sleep, not sleeping at all, and other things happening inside my body… Something had to change.

Finding the proper help during crisis was a nightmare. I clearly saw how easily someone could fall through the cracks. Homeless, jobless, without income... These are realities many people with mental illness face. When the problem is cognitive, emotive, AND mental, engaging in the process of healing is challenging.  

Mentally ill are often feared, treated as 'dumb' or not capable of regular human functioning. Stigma is more than prevalent. Before I finally 'cracked,' I had tried talking to my boss about needing time for me. They spoke to me in a very condescending manner. If it were cancer, I think I would have gotten sympathy rather than the third degree.  At no time was our employee assistance program recommended. My boss told me was sick days were for when I was really sick, and if I need a day to myself, well, that's what vacations were for. I thought vacations were for fun & rejuvenation! Not keeping my head above water ...  I discovered crisis help and free counseling on my own while I figured out a recovery plan, but it was just another stressor.

I've survived mental illness most of my life only seeking treatment in my late 20s, mainly because my family. Anxiety has been an issue since early childhood, and depression has weighed on me since my teens. When I went through a depressive anxiety ridden period when I was about 8 or 9 years old, it was written off as a phase. It was dismissed. There is definitely a problem with people not taking mental health seriously enough! If I had childhood diabetes I'd have been diagnosed and treated quickly. I remember crying on my way to social functions on many occasions but being told I was 'silly' and to snap out of it. I excelled in school and was athletic, so teachers never thought to step in.

A diagnosis of GAD PTSD & MDD* only came this year. Now, I have directly explained my condition and have received kindness, love, and acceptance. I don't think they fully understand, but their acceptance can be best described by my youngest sister’s response: "So? You're still you. Are you going to be okay?” Now, they are there for me. I know that. And that's fabulous.

Mental illness is still very taboo. People suddenly think you're losing cognitive ability when really it's emotive. They don't want to trust you.  Friendships suffer. I gave up self medicating about 7 years ago, which has means I have socially isolated myself. I have few (no?) friends. I can’t leave the house without getting sick first. I got tired of cancelling plans, so I stopped making them. I was also not able to finish university despite two attempts at going. My energy does not allow working and studying full time. Grades were acceptable (B's some A's) but I couldn't keep up. I was barely surviving.

I have found new ways to connect and cope. I love movies, especially ‘bad’ movies! Cheesy 80's flicks. Horror movies.  Bad romcom's. Documentaries are my lifeblood. I kinda like video games. I am an Internet JUNKIE.  I'm an avid reader and writer. I love nature and camping. I love to dance (poorly!) and music has always been a strong interest even though I don't play anything. Really though, my number one love is learning. I love problems and finding solutions. If I could be a professional student I would.  Alas, it's not in the cards for now.

I reach out for help online a lot and have found an AMAZING community of supportive people on Twitter. This has allowed me to talk about my experience going through mental illness honestly and openly so it isn't hidden from the public. I also network with other people who are experts in the field. Social media also gives me the opportunity to get my feet wet being comfortable with social exchange. Social anxiety has been the most debilitating part, and my Twitter network has helped so much. I have connected with some amazing people!

I am also social justice junkie (some people call them activists, whatever that means, haha). I support to various causes online, including ending the prohibition of marijuana, especially those in medical need. Trying to make the world a better place makes me want to stay a part of it, you know? Suicide has definitely been something I've had to confront. While I've not gone through with an attempt, I have written my goodbyes many times. I don't want to say goodbye to a world I know is possible of wonder and change and revolution.
Each day I help make that possible is another day I thrive, instead of just survive."

*I have decided the specific diagnosis shouldn't matter to the reader, but obviously you are able to find out more information through Google & etc.

Embracing Monday... on Tuesday

Remember how eager I was to get an apartment for just L & I?

Yes, in a very vague sense, but everything is starting to come together. Endless scouring of vintage stores has given me retro fabric for curtains and sturdy furniture, but I am holding out until we paint some time in the next month before I really show you anything. In the mean time, I think we're both quite happy!

Links

-This comic is geared at the ladies, but I'm willing to bet that men go through things like this all the time too. Can we right a book about gender dispairty called "Everyone's Awkward" and get it over with?

-Tom Morello is singing your songs & making them better! (PS: I don't know who made the accompanying video, but it is anything but light hearted.)

-I would like to see this in real life.

-Paloma is a genius at everything, so I thought I would share what she's carrying around. (I am a secret snoop.)

-Drawn Off Topic is genius. I may not agree with this piece at all really, but man it's fun to read & picture who is telling the story.

-You know when it's 4 am & you're watching clips from TV shows on youtube & wondering if there's anyone out there who understands you? It seems like this girl does. Yay! Our souls are secretly intertwined.

-"But we also talked about risk, and the choices each made, good and bad: one of the worst prospects they saw, which each of them thought about a great deal, was that they would judge only the risk to themselves, and not to the locals that they worked with or encountered. That is not only a women’s dilemma, of course; it is very much an American one. Women and men alike can leave others behind when they go to war—and be left—and take risks whose outlines they can only begin to make out."

-Can you believe that out of all these gorgeous book covers, this one is one of my favourites? What's yours?

-Because I'm always looking for new music, I thought I'd ask around. Thankfully Rebecca, K, and Christine all obliged me with some very different & very awesome answers. I love you guys!

-You've probably already seen it, but just because & just in case.

-& photo guru K was kind enough to truly Embrace Monday in one of the best ways I've ever seen.

Much love to my link supplier supremes Christine, Katharine, Katie, Alexis, Rebecca, Emily, Alli, &  Sammi for all the excellent help.

No One Has Spoken to Everyone. Everyone is Not a Demographic.

Oh little activists, I see you out there screaming about injustice at the top of your lungs and I love you for it. 

I am not going to pretend that many of you are naïve or not misguided, but please understand that I am not saying these things to be patronizing. I am not saying I love what you stand for any less. I just want to tell you that one day you will likely see things differently, and that is not a bad thing. Stay strong.

Hey people in our community, I really expected more of you. I know it can be hard not to choke on your meal when some “ignorant little snot” gets in a snit about workers in Venezuela not being paid fairly for the coffee you’re drinking, or that they dare not to eat the turkey that you slaved over for the holidays. Yes, frequently the younger generation lacks tact, and it can be difficult to swallow, but that does not make what they are standing for any less valid.

When we are young and we look at the world, we want to fix it. When we age, we think we get wiser, so we insist on “looking at all aspects” of it and pointing out flaws in dissenting arguments.  Of course, thinking critically is always important, but when did you forget what was right? You know that gut feeling you have? The one that you didn’t get from forgetting to take Tums or your aging stomach? It’s telling you to listen. It’s telling you that there is still learning to be done.

I am not going to pretend that the youth screaming about revolution always practice what they preach. I walk through protests and see just as much Club Monaco & Starbucks as I do social justice. I see iPhones made in sweatshops tweeting about liberating Libya. I see knuckles white from clutching 5 dollar mocha-frappa-ccino-lattes as they bark that the government isn’t helping to alleviate hunger. I see those who won’t make eye contact with the homeless in their own country yelling impassioned speeches for famine abroad. We’re sorry, and we’ll learn. We are hypocrites, but who isn’t? We all sleep on soft beds and feel guilty. The human condition is everyone has it worse than us. The planet is made up of beautiful suffering. There is joy in a broken world. This is not pessimistic, but speaking what everyone knows, if they just stop ignoring the instinct blocking it out.

So you’re saying Occupy Wall Street has no point just because their message is about emotions instead of laws. Their ideas are not succinct enough for you. It’s okay. The revolution will not have press releases, although it will probably start on tumblr.    

I understand that you think the government will infringe on your freedom of speech if we make some decisions about what constitutes a hate crime. Freedom is important. Freedom for everyone in a society to feel comfortable and safe is most important of all. To speak is one thing, to shriek about all homosexuals being pedophiles and fill childrens’ heads with rumours of conspiracy is not expressing yourself, it is hurting others. When we allow qualms of “justice” to detract from what is right, that is injustice. You are not the court. While they have rules and laws to think of, we have our community, not the senate. We can afford some compassion for other people who are trying to make society great.

Oh yes, there are flaws. The 99% movement is inevitably temporary, and change can’t be. And of course, this isn’t a thumb to the nose against due process when it comes to prosecuting people. This is about listening to what everyone else is saying, and maybe being surprised by what you hear. This is about thinking of other people before you open your mouth. This is about having a heart instead of looking smart in front of your peers.

Stay strong little activists. You are naïve, misguided and hopeful, and you are the future that will change us all.

  

I Love You, But Do You Love You?: A Guide on Accepting Yourself for the Unique Woman that You Are

It’s hard to not be drawn into Katie’s world. Whether it’s her engaging smile or passion for equality, what she adds to her environment can’t be ignored. I’m privileged enough to communicate with her regularly, and encouraged her to share her feelings about something that really matters to us both: feeling our best each day. I re-read this letter after dealing with some rough times this weekend, and it helped me deal with my anger and resentment. I hope Katie’s advice hits your heart & makes your day the same way it made mine. -Always, A.

                A couple of weeks ago, I felt so low that I started hating myself for not being able to control things that I felt like I should be able to. It wasn’t until my friend, who’s completely lovely in both personality & appearance, started echoing the same thoughts upon herself that I realized that something had to be done.

This had to stop.

                In high school, I was a bit of a misfit. Always yelling at some jerk for calling some poor, defenseless freshman a homophobic slur, I gained quite the reputation for being...let’s say tempestuous. I’ve grown up a bit (for the most part!), but I still feel the need to DO something when I see/hear the comments that people -girls especially- make towards themselves and other people. Those feelings don’t just end with remarks. There are so many negative things this can lead to: remarks made about other people, eating disorders, wrist cutting, and shame. Besides, when you are feeling bad, that means you’re not doing something else that could be improving someone’s life. What do horrible remarks contribute to society?

Nothing. They only create a world of more sadness.

                Why do you feel low? Is it because you want to look like Jessica Alba? I assure you, Jessica Alba has her fair share of those days. I don’t know what you look like and I don’t care, but I know that it’s your personality that people notice, not your jean size. Chances are, if you’re reading Allison’s blog, you’re a very intelligent human being. I know that with many people watching Jersey Shore in their free time it can seem like intelligence is underrated, but that’s not real life! The people who really matter in this world can see beyond your hair style and outfit.

                How many times do we use the term “liberation?” We hear it in relation to politics, even religious deities, but we never seem to use it for ourselves. Society has impressed it in us that we need another person to improve our lives. Understand that I’m not trying to try to convert you away from any belief system that you hold dear, I’m trying to help you realize that YOU are what your religion/society needs. Think of the good that you could do if you didn’t waste your time hating your appearance. Think of all of the young girls whose lives you could influence by being an inspiration, even if all you do is accept yourself for who you are. I’m certain that if young girls had more positive role models, we would see less teen pregnancy & eating disorders. Girls need to know that others care about them; that we are listening to their needs. Instead, they are left with MTV and magazines that tell them that no matter how remarkable they are, society will not accept them until they mold themselves to look like celebrities.

                So here’s my big, scary, awesome proposal: stop hating yourself.

You, whoever you are, with your understated beauty and womanly body, embrace yourself. More importantly, do the things that make you feel pretty. I’m crazy, I know. How can you possibly feel pretty when…? No, trust me. I wear dresses more than pants even when it’s cold outside. When I feel unattractive, I wear my prettiest dress with a pair of adorable shoes (with bows on the front, s’il vous plait), a little make up, and remind myself that the feeling that I have in my heart is far more important than being a size 2. The fact that I got two A’s on my midterms easily out shadows any loneliness that I feel about not being in a relationship.

                I know this sounds hard to do. Eventually, we actually come to rely on that horrible voice in the back of our heads that tell us that we’ll never find anyone who’ll love us like we love them. Or maybe it says we look ugly when in fact, we look hot.  Trust me, once you get used to loving yourself regardless of if you have a zit on the side of your face or your jeans are just a little snug this morning, you begin to love having some respect for yourself. You fall in love with a feeling instead of an ideal. Women are quick to tell men why we deserve respect, but some we can’t remember any of those reasons when we stand in front of the mirror. If we want respect, we have to give respect. Yes, to ourselves! If we want someone to love us, we must love ourselves.

                You deserve so much more than low self-esteem and tears. You deserve to feel loved and beautiful, even when you aren’t having the best day. I need to remember this too. I’m still working on accepting who I am & what I look like, but I’ve realized that when I do the things that I love, it’s far easier for me to look in the mirror. Remember, you are not alone. Every girl has her issues. Every girl cries sometimes because she feels ugly. Every girl falls in love with someone that will not love her in return. I’ve seen some of the prettiest girls hate their appearances for no reason. The only way to feel better about the situation is not through starving yourself, but through taking care of you.

                So wear those jeans that show off those mile long legs, or maybe that smock top that displays the fact that you are a woman with breasts (no, not those!) Walk like you look good, and you will! Remind yourself that you deserve it, regardless of what society may tell you.

***

Katie's Those Days list:

On “Those Days” you should: pop in a movie (I really recommend Lost in Translation and Annie Hall), eat something delicious like raw almonds or raisins, and relax. In the day time, wear your prettiest dress/skirt, put on a little makeup, spritz your favorite perfume, read a good book (I just finished The Virgin Suicides and  I still can’t stop reading Jane Eyre), order something from your favorite coffee shop, maybe flirt with the cute barista named Tyler, and take a walk. Maybe you have a hobby like painting, maybe you should practice the piano because you have a lesson on Saturday. Doing something constructive will always help you feel as if you can have some control over your life. Invite your friend over to your dorm or apartment and have tea. Talk to them. If they’re a good friend, chances are you’re going to get a little emotional, which is good. Life is hard sometimes and you need someone to be honest with. Do something fun. Maybe discuss what you can do to improve your situation. Maybe you don’t like the brainstorm, maybe you just want to talk about what’s making life suck, which is okay. Talking can make the situation feel a little more manageable. When you’re done, take a walk together. Breathe in the fresh air. Don’t think about whoever or whatever is making you feel bad, just admire the trees and the birds singing. At night, you should read before you go to bed. Text the family member that you’re closest with and tell them that you love them. Love always makes people feel as if the world can be taken on. Eat your favorite food (mind is sashimi and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups). Listen to a band who always makes you smile when they come on the radio. Feel better? Good! Do this as often as possible. Even if what makes you feel pretty is something like singing in the shower or enjoying vanilla frozen yogurt after dinner, revel in it, make it a part of your life!


Photos thanks to the uber talented Katharine Alaska, and none of them feature Katie.

A Homeless Man Called Me Names Today

My hobbies & interests include reading, home décor, obsessing over small details, and being so, SO proud of the fact that I live in the North End.

A resident of this gentrifying neighbourhood for a little over a year now, I can call out anyone silly or snarky enough to tell me that my lovely little apartment home is in a “sketchy area” with a snide “Oh, you mean because it’s not the suburbs? Sorry we don’t have a Costco yet. And no, there is no room for that oversized flaming box of crap on wheels you call an SUV.”

 Yea, I’m pretty much a bad person.  

I hide my hurt with ethically sourced hot chocolate and reading blogs about how Detroit is going to get really trendy, just like Portland. I can relate guys! Everyone makes fun of my home too! We have so much in common! I tell myself that I'm progressive. Next weekend, I am going to campaign school. Today, I am wearing polka dot tights. Ou! Aren’t I so quirky and different?! Take that, boring apathetic high school classmates. While you’re having babies at an uncomfortably young age and drinking every weekend to assuage the fact that you hate the degree you’re taking, I am living next to the new trendiest restaurant in the city and walking through rows of beautiful, colourful houses and shops that have signs printed in Helvetica, before it was ironic. I’m just so cool.

It’s only recently that I have mapped out a walking route that takes me through North End neighbourhoods instead of down busy streets. I sacrifice an extra ten minutes of my morning, but it’s hardly a sacrifice when I see charming forty year old women in bright trench coats and rugged but beautiful people drinking coffee. I can tell that they have the pride in them too. We are here, and we are different. We are so different. We were here first. They probably think I’m pretty lame actually. I’m a newcomer. For the first part of my life, I lived with my parents in the suburbs. How gauche. Still, the insistence that our End is one of quirk and creativity is important to us. It’s part of our identity. We’re so different!

Until we see them.

Only one stretch of sidewalk on my entire forty minute walk makes me put my head down. My legs could easily take another route, but something in me can’t. You have a clear warning; as you approach, you see the alleyways in between are filled with broken bottles of booze and cheap umbrellas turned upside down by the wind. Suddenly, the shops that were boarded up with pages of the New York Times and The Walrus are actually perverse instead of eye catching. The first time I passed Those People, I shoved my hands deep into my pockets and left my headphones on, trying to force a smile that probably ended up looking quite sad. Recently, I have taken to saying good morning, making sure they don’t see the iPhone that’s playing me music that I paid money for. Nothing I do is right.

I’ve wrote about gentrification before, and I think about it all the time. It’s become a bit of a joke between Luke & I; shriek-whispering “Hipster!” every time we see someone fashionable at the grocery store. No conclusions I ever come to make me happy. Can I be part of this beautiful community without destroying it? Not if I can’t treat the people standing outside the Salvation Army like humans.

But how do humans even like to be treated? We talk a big game about being friendly in the Maritimes, but people don’t really smile at me on the street like in commercials. When I’m pleasant and chatty, I annoy some baristas, while if I’m distracted; I can look like a stone cold bitch. Truth be told, if I were to treat the homeless like I treated “anyone else,” I would fix my gaze in front of me and just keep walking. They don’t want my pity, but I can’t bring myself to do that around them anymore.

It’s been an awkward year for me too; there were weeks when juice or bread was just not doable. I can walk by knowing that I have been hungry as well, but it’s nowhere near the same. I could go to my parents at any time. I could beg them for money. I could try to take out a loan. Still, knowing the disappointment of putting buying food off for another day makes walking by even harder.

Today I said good morning as I walked by, and one guy, clearly on some kind of something, called me a slut. I’m not upset. I didn’t cry. The word does not matter, but why he chose it does. The feminist in me stood at attention while the human in me squirmed around as I heard the drugs in his voice. His hood was down so far on his face, I was surprised he could even identify me as a woman. I don’t want to see him ever again, but I need to know that he’s going back there every day to get something to make it half okay kind of. He wouldn’t recognize me anyways.

This weekend I will be on a boat dressed in finery. In the immaculate little town of Chester, I will help my father throw the ashes of my activist grandmother overboard in some symbolic gesture that now she is free. I will eat parmesan broccoli soup and wonder if, for all my grandmother’s noble deeds, she struggled to look at the people on the sidewalk with a hunger beyond the physical sense in the depths of their stomachs while she donated thousands to the theatre.

My tights don’t make me different. My hair doesn’t set me apart. When I raise the rent of the nieghbourhood with my desire to live somewhere special, I am just another person who is reveling in my perfect home while others have no roof. I am not part of my community; I attend select parties and gigs for those fortunate enough to have shelter that happen to be geographically close.  It’s not about where you come from; it’s about what you do for where you are. I have done everything for the bright coloured houses and nothing for the sidewalks. At the end of the day, for all my vintage dresses and organic soap and political slogans, I am no different. Not different at all.

Request: What It's Like to Be

I talk too much. I always have, and probably always will.

If you're still reading this, that means you might think that is a good thing, & I am grateful.

I am looking for people who would be interested in talking with me for my What It's Like to Be feature. In the past, I have had the honour of sharing the stories of suvirvors of hardship, of people with difficult decisions to make, of people with interesting jobs, and of people who didn't always feel like others "got" them.

Specifically, I am very interested in if you are someone who would like to talk about your experiences with the following things:

-Living with an intellectual disability

-Being a woman who identifies both as a feminist or a progressive and as Muslim

-Daily living in a rural area in any place in the world

-Working in a job that requires a lot of public speaking, aka guts, and how you do it

-Working a job in a language that is not your native tongue

-I always love to feature people who are political about something and do anything about it!

-Young people especially who organize their own activist groups or events

Of course, this is a very basic, very loose grocery list of what I think is very cool. I'd appreciate your help in passing it on, commenting on this post, or just tossing me an e-mail (see the page at the top.) This is an awesome opportunity for anyone involved in an organization to get the word out about what they do if they're willing to share their story, or just to get something off of your chest. Let's do it together?

Thank you!